Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
pat pat
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
#Caturday
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.