Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.