Ugh
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰