Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨