You Might Also Like
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Get in loser we’re going crying
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.