Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.