Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.