My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“i am a sweet baby”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.