Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you