Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
You Might Also Like
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver