dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*frowns in Scottish*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”