Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.