Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one