ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You Might Also Like
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I found your tweet-up…
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.