when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
when you order from DoorDastardly
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
i meant to share this earlier