Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
God has left this place
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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