me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*