[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Still laughing at this stupid meme
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.