I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me