Good morning!
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.