a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
(Gaming support cat.)
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Happens to everyone.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.