Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I created you as mosquito food.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”