I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.