There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You Might Also Like
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
OMG 🤣🤣
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.