“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Note to self: always read the final line
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”