u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
shampoo implies shampee
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If snakes were wide
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.