Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The French word for sex is croissant.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.