Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.