Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Florida man
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention