ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently