Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
This raises questions
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
moms in horror movies
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.