Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Wednesday
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*