If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
LOOOOOOL
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.