what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration