Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
wow