Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Have a lovely day 😊
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that