Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.