I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.