Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.