WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Wake me when AI does housework
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.