Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Lmfao
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My favorite farside!!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
never forget
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid