If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Always the camel, never the toe.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.