I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
also my go-to takeaway order
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”