Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.