God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless