“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I need to update my racial profile.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Liquor Store Parking
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?