It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does