How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.