MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: