I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I came this close!!!!
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical